Over the past few years, I’ve witnessed a few, good relationships fizzle out. I can’t say that I’m entirely insensitive to their pity-seeking plights, but what I can’t stand are vile, verbal backlashes. More often than not, it’s my female friends who I hear complaining, griping, bad mouthing and disrespecting their exes. I don’t know if they realize that their biased statements reveal more about their own self-worth than that of their partners.
What she said: I don’t know how I wasted my time with him. He was an asshole.
What she meant: I let him treat me like shit because I am an idiot with little to no self-respect.
What I could tell her: Something about YOU attracted that asshole. We all accept the love we think we deserve. You probably shouldn’t be involved with anyone until you work on yourself first.
What she said: I’m swearing off men forever.
What she meant: My self-esteem is shot and I’m too busy wallowing in self-pity to move on.
What I could tell her: Maybe it’s the perfect time to switch sides! Who knows…you finally might find a partner who’s just as sensitive and prissy and engaged and understanding and attentive and appreciative and attention-loving and whiny and demanding and suspicious and self-important as you! Scissor sistahhhhhhs!
What she meant: I’m a prize to be won. You must not know ’bout me.
What I could tell her: Wait…who are you??? Did you stop world hunger? Did you cure cancer or something? Does the universe owe you something? Pssssh. No one likes an entitled brat.
Secondly, when you respect yourself, a man won’t look good to you unless he IS good for you. Until then, you’ll continue to attract men who can love you as much as you love yourself.
What she said: If he ain’t hot, I won’t date him…I don’t date down.
What she meant: I am secretly insecure about my own looks that I need someone else to make up for what I lack.
What I could tell her: You remember those past two ‘hotties’ that you dated? That’s right – it didn’t work out. You know why? Cause you can only do so much with hot when the lights go out, dear. “It takes maturity to value the more timeless characteristics of an individual, not just the superficial.”
What she said: He took me for granted. I wasn’t a priority.
What she meant: I have a wishbone where my backbone ought to be.
What I could tell her: As absurd as this might sound, you have to TRAIN a man on how to make you feel loved. Have a real conversation about it. You want roses? Ask for them. You want a massage? Ask for it! He can’t read your mind. His last girlfriend was probably not as demanding as you are (j/k) – so you’ve obviously got to spell it out for him. Figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it.
So next time you have the urge to gripe about your last partner…or men in general…think about what message you’re really conveying about yourself. Give up that helpless victim bullcrap. You’re in control of your own life, your own actions, your own outcomes – just like everyone else.